You are viewing dopelines

LINES [entries|friends|calendar]

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Man... wtf [03 Sep 2006|11:30pm]
Ya ya, shut up. I know i haven't been keeping my promise of "1 post a week"... so sue.... de me...

But anyway, i'm back at school now... and of course i have another story, only this time, it's NOT on a 95.. *cue happy music*. It's at the beautiful buildings of Algonquin College that would make Chernobyl jealous. (omg he is making fun of Chernobyl, he's going to hell... SHUT UP! I signed my body to the devil the second i beat the egg into submission in my mom). Anyway, as many of you know (My one fan... or fuck, at least the computer accepts me when i click "Upload Journal" (because he's accepting my data pack... i'm a .. wow loser .) that Algonquin is FILLED with people that cannot speak english. And of course, i had a fun experience last week. Here are but a few.

Asian #1:
Her: ME so HORNY
Me: Do me, now!

I don't remeber what she said... i mean LOOK AT her.... WHO CARES WHAT SHE SAID... moving along now

Asian #1 who's fresh off a boat
Him: Du yu whant sum cock wiph fvris?
Me: Sure, i'll have a co... uh, what... excuse me?
Him: Aye surry... cock?
Me: No, i heard you...
Him: Su, cock yu whant?
Me: N...o
Him: Ok, Sperite?
Him: Yah
Him: Yah.. COCK
Everybody: *LAUGH*

Arab with "gun" #1:

Me: OH... HAHahaha... Hey *LAURA! IT's one of those actors from the actors studio...
Me: Man... i wish i knew what he was saying
Him: ...
Me: Breath to my first love ERICA! Who eats cookies and they fall on her boobies and rabbits love CAROTS!
*runs off screaming some chant*
Me: oh.. I LOVE Algonquin College

BTW, this is LAURA!

(THIS IS MY GIRLFRIEND LAURA... NO, LAURA... NOT SCARLET JOHANSSON... LAURA... SHUT UP... *pulls out toilet paper* Go away now...)

So there you have it, my run in with the law...

*Later that night i turn on the tv*

(Oh shut up, it was the best i could do)

OH And by the way, i'm not an ass-hole, i'm a class-hole. Big difference... I'm teh type of guy that would kindly kick your grandmas walker from out underneath her hands, and then laugh as she falls to the ground, and then stepping on her glasses and asking if she wants help getting up. Only to punch her in the face ONE TIME QUICK FAST!

Kids... don't do druge.... dgrug..... DRUGS
2 comments|post comment

Big DATE NEXT WEEK? [26 Apr 2006|02:48am]
Ok, so you're probably reading this as you're posting new pictures of yourself at stupid angles so you don't look fat, and you probably turned up the contrast so you can cover up those zits and that black eye you gave yourself when you realized that punching yourself really isn't a fast way to throw up. So, you finally uploaded your pictures onto myspace and you're wondering, "I hope i get laid tonight... but, i can't fit into my mini-dress" Before you finish that thought... Get up right now, and head on over to the mirror.

You probably look like this
(Give or take a few pounds)
But, you want to look like this
(Give or take a few pounds)
You've got about 6 days before your big date with douche bag emo queer #1 on your top 8 list. As seen below
  (I bet he has a real struggle living his life in the FUCKING OC WHERE THE AVERAGE INCOME IS 600,000$... "when i asked my dad for a razor, he bought me a razr MOTOROLA PHONE... i wanted a razor BLADE SO I CAN KILL MYSELF AND LEAVE THIS WORLD... I HATE MY DAD... " And he probably has a name along the lines of... Jack... fucking prick)

Anyway, you have 6 days before your date, and you need to lose weight REAL FAST! You're thinking now, "HOW AM I GOING TO PULL THIS OFF? PUNCHING MYSELF IN THE FACE DIDN'T WORK" Look no further idiot. I've got the perfect thing for you.
First, you gotta find a dealer who sells you the stuff.
(ya... he'll do)
Ask him to sell you some crack
(Just in case you didn't know how crack looks like. There... now you're educated)
If he tries to sell you some weed. Tell him that shits for mexicans, wiggers and pigeons.
Now, buy yourself a crack pipe

Light up! In case you don't know how, it's as easy as taking a picture of your ugly ass-changing the contrast-upload.. Or, 1-2-3. Whichever you understand the best
1) lips to the end, light the crack
2) huff back reeeealll hard
3) sit back and pass out

Now, keep this up for about 6 days of hardly ANY sleep and just constant smoking. And if you want, start giving oral pleasure to the drug dealer so he can give you a discount. As seen below. In case your ass is too stupid to understand what "oral pleasure" means.

Remember, do not sleep for 6 days and you will be slim as a Paris Hilton.

legal thing to cover my ass from your stupid self : If you actually do this... you're a fucking moron.

1 comment|post comment

Oh, Atlanta.. [24 Apr 2006|09:50pm]
What the hell is wrong with this city (Atlanta incase you haven't clued in on the title) ?  I'm watching God knows what on TBS. Stuart Little, Sex and the City, Friends or Family Guy. Fuck, i don't know. I'll just say Sex and Stuart's Little Family the Friends from the City. So i'm about 10 minutes into this terrible movie and it cuts to a commercial. Ok, great. I can finally get up and get something to eat. I return from my little adventure into food land where i met the and (supposed to be the vegetable people... but all i found was this douche bag. Damn, I'd hate to be him at a toga party)
Toga Party Member #1 : "Uh... what are you wearing?"
Douche bag corn moron : "Uh... Toga gear? Idiot"
Douche bag corn moron : "YA... I AM... geez, who died and made you people idiots? What do you think Cesar wore when he was stabbed in the back? Idiots"
All of them : "Get... out... now..."
Douche bag corn moron : "Samantha, call me"
Samantha : "It's best we never talk to one another ever again"

Anyway, after returning from the fridge from my wacky adventure, i come back and sat down at my seat. I saw that commercials were STILL running. I've been gone for a good 10 minutes if it wasn't 10 hours. What struck me as odd when i began to watch these commericals, is that it's all the same thing. Shady college offering "6-8 months" training to become a "air conditioner" or a "conditioner for hair" or something like that. Then, the next commercial will be something about a shady business offering credit free money for 2 years. I decided to watch the movie but only because i wanted to see the commercials. And i was never let down, it was always for a college or a business located in Atlanta. Now... i began to wonder... WHAT THE HELL IS IN ATLANTA? I'm beginning to think that only colleges and shady business exists. I tried calling the mayor of Shitlanta to try and get some questions answered,  but i was transfered to a college hotline. Then, i was transfered to a back alley type bank, "Open wounds with HIV loan free bank", or whatever the stripper told me. (She apparantly strips in Atlanta... she probably answered the phone *Shudder*).

Anyway, long weird story short is that my new goal in life is to find out what really is in Shit-Atlanta. Add that to my cheque. Whatever that means.
1 comment|post comment

Low Fee... [10 Apr 2006|12:40am]
Do you ever sit at your work place and wonder, "how have these people surived this long in life? I'm sure they would have killed themselves by sticking a cat in a toaster while in the bath" I have a simple solution for all of you who cannot stand listening to your stupid co-workers comments at a meeting. "The Replacements" No, this is not another shitty football movie with your favorite actor () This is a team that is fresh out of University and they mean business. Trained to replace people with great ease.  They will come to your office and replace your current co-workers and have them sit it out. Now, you no longer have to feel embarassed with a CEO or a big boss comes to a meeting at your branch. WHAT YOU SAY? How do you know your business needs "The Replacements"? Simple, if you have to listen to these types of conversations in a meeting more than once in a month, then you need "The Replacements"

Boss : "Ok, so we have to sell 2000$ today. Do you think we can do it?"
Stupid co-worker #1 : "2000$ in real money?"
Stupid co-worker #2 : "GOOD QUESTION Stupid co-worker #1"
Stupid co-worker #3 : "Man... i thought there was cookies at this function"
You : "2000$ is more than feasible, Boss"
Stupid co-worker #All of them : "UH... That is NOT a word"
Boss : "...."
You : "Ok..."
Stupid co-worker #2 : "Man... my toes smell"
Stupid co-worker #1 : "Ya, i didn't want to say anything"
You : "..."
Boss : "*throws papers up and leaves*"

"The Replacements"

Now, enjoy converstations with "The Replacements" at your next meeting.

Boss : "Ok, we need to make 2000$ tonight"
Replacement #1 : "Sir, i would enjoy making 3000$ more"
Replacement #2 : "#1, we can do 500$ more than just 5000$"
You : "Oh boy..."
Replacement #3 and 4 : "We must not sit here. We must go out and work our asses off to make 5500$"
Replacement #1-4 : "GOOD LUCK"
You : "This rules"
Boss : "*:)*"

Kick morons like these (Yes, that man is wearing what you think he's wearing) out the door and enjoy "The Replacements"
1 comment|post comment

Sooo... [30 Jan 2006|09:48pm]
    ... after many weeks of wondering what the hell is wrong with my body. I'd get random scraps on my body and i'd immediatly shout something like, "OMG, I HAVE AIDS... I HAVE CANCER... JESUS CHRIST, THOSE JEHOVAH WITNESS GOT ME WITH CYANIDE" I loathe being a hypochondriac. I worry about everything. So anyway, i finally decided to go to the guy for my blood test. Ok... so not just any random guy()

Me: "Hey, here for my blood test"
Random Guy: "I... what?"
Me: "You know, blood test. Ok, my right arm has a juice vein"
Random Guy: "I... pump gas. .87cent a lettah"
Me: "Okkk... Take my blood"
Random Guy: "*yelling in native tounge*"
Me: "Geez, alright, i'll do it myself... creep"

Anyway, i went to the doctors and got my blood test. You know, for HIV (not that im' a prime candidate for it) and other STDs. I know i know, we all have a secret bang in our past. I mean, me with the vietnamese hooker and all. Should have used a condom, i know i know. Not my fault, was under a lot of pressure by her yelling "Tubuku NOW! Long time". So, i'm there in the chair and the doctor turns to me and says, "well... while i have you here, i can also test for your cholesterol". I look at him and im' like "... huh?", and he goes,
Doctor: "...Well... i have another tube here... i can just easily test for your bl..."
Me: "No... i heard you... but i mean... i think that is the least of my worries right now... Let me get these results back and then we'll see where cholesterol ranks on my chart".

Bastard. So i left and i was all like, "ugh, that cunt" (Of course, i didn't say cunt... i think i said runt. But w/e, i'll make this story funny) 2 weeks later, i get my tests back and it's negative all across the chart. Not that i was high up there on the "most wanted" list. Point is. I sitll don't care about my cholesterol, BOYYYYeeeeee

Stupid story? Ya, i thought so too. *tear*
4 comments|post comment

New years... [23 Jan 2006|11:25pm]
Ok, i know this is late. But technically it's still new years and i still have my right to say what mistakes i did of 2005. Top 5 mistakes of 2005 are as follows.

1) Received my credit card bill and realized that i am in debt. Took out a student loan and invested it all in Gold Bond. Thinking that "Hey, it's the year for Gold". Realized a week later that Gold Bond does not actually contain any Gold. Tried selling my shares, but nobody wanted it. I took quite a financial blow with that decision.

2) Walked down the streets of Brooklyn while dressed all rapper like and talking a lot of slang and smack, slapping women's asses as they passed by and shouting, "YAAA BIATCH, BACK THAT ASS UP!". Thought that we as a society could accept other people indifferences, sadly... i was mistaken. Got beaten up pretty badly. Couldn't pay my medical bills because it was all in fucking Gold Bond.

3) Went to Columbia for March break and bought a case of Coca-Cola, put it in my briefcase and hid my keys in them. Scared that someone would find them, so i did the logical thing and hid them somewhere safe. Hit customs, was asked what i had in my suitcase, i jokingly said, "keys of coke and some clothes". Long story short, i'm writing this post from a Columbian prison cell.

4) Was hired by a big networking firm and was in charge of the servers firewall. Was told to make a firewall to protect the servers and workers from any malicious viruses. Accepted the work, and got straight to it. 3 months later, i called in the people and showed them my firewall. They weren't impressed. I thought they wanted a fireplace inside a wall. NOPE... Now i'm broke... AGAIN!

5) Sold advertising space on my lower back to a local tree shredding plant, "Insert wood here. Joe's wood shredder"
1 comment|post comment

WTF? [16 Jan 2006|01:18pm]

Seriously, what is wrong with this country, or at least this government? Having worked my ass off in the summer at some shaddy place to try and save up some money to pay off bills or rather keep myself out of debt. However, knowing me and the people i was around the entire summer( Only, they're not ravers and they hopefully don't go around sweating around the stomach area. What's up with the girl far to the left? She's trying to get her face in at the last moment. She seems like the type of person that is only invited along becuase she 1) drives 2) operates an automobile 3) rides a car. Purly hated by her "friends") Anyway, what was supposed to be me working hard  (Aww look at me. Working so hard at my work place) Now, what REALLY happened was i turned into a maddog and went all out with booze and food and random trips to T.O and cottages. I went from good working person to  (A CRAZY GUY!) I made about 2.5K(Ya, work really screwed me over) and i spent about 1.5K. I am now in debt for 1.3K. Ok, i'm not here to bitch about my problems like those fukcing girls on Sex and the city or Sex on top of the City or Sex with the empire state building. I'm here to bitch about OSAP. I applied, expecting to get a usual amount of bum-fuck 500$. Anything to help me out.

NOPE! WRONG! PLAY AGAIN! I got denied because my Dad makes too much. I know for a fact that he makes a decent amount, but not over the limit. Steaming with hatred, i took the 95 home and i overheard some people talking about how they got 10K+ for their OSAP. Now, i'm talking about Mohammad Jafar-Abdul Aladdin. Then, 10 minutes later, these 2 fucking club sluts() get on the bus and say how they're going to spend 3K of their OSAP on booze and clubbing. She later went on to state that she gets home to Orleans at around 5AM and her dad is usually pissed. Hm, Orleans + Girl + Dad that works in the government = ABOVE THE LIMIT FOR OSAP. I get the shaft (No, I LITERALLY got the shaft. He() came to my place and beat me up, "WHAT YOU THINKING ABOUT, CRACKA?"). It pisses me off how i have to pay for everything now and i get no help at all. "HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME????" Damnit, now i'm sounding like one of those emo bastards that probably slit their wrists with their parents Credit cards, because you and i both konw that emos usually come from rich families. Broken homes? Plllease, the only broken they've seen was when their sister trashed their lego castle. UGH! Anyway, i'm going to go spend my money on Vanilla Coke and a gun to shoot some holes in the cans.


3 comments|post comment

Ugh [06 Jan 2006|09:07am]
Well well well, another month, another semester, and evidentally another bad experience. I know that these will not the be last. Matter of fact, this is most likely just a segway into what will be another 10 disasters before i reach home today. I'm mad as it is due to the fact taht people who fail a semester still get invited into COOP? Yet those who aren't allowed to go becuase of a SCHOOL error are forced to never take it? I do not understand this country. Anyway, back to my bad experience on the bus. Well, not so much bad, but moreso "What the FUCK is WRONG with you? Did your mom cheat on her spouce with Jack Daniels while she was pregnant with you?". So, like how all stories of mine start out, i'm sitting on the bus (95, obviously) and i'm minding my own business (well, minding the business of "The Doves" and their music. But... you get the picture) when this girl (yes, Paris Hilton is RETARDED) gets on the bus and sits down across from me. I can tell she was stupid because she asked herself if the seat was taken. NOBODY was around her. I give her the usually, "uhhhhh...." look and then turn my head to look back out the window and continue listening to my music. 20 minutes pass and we're almost at school. She gets up and hits her head on bar DIRECTLY above her head. For about 10 seconds she's going, "Ooowwww... THAT HURT... Ooooowwwww". Then she hits the pole with her hand and starts cursing it out. (A POLE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT. I can ONLY IMAGINE what's going threw her head as this is going on) [Mind you, a pole can't talk. Just in case she's reading this]
Dumb Bitch: "OWww.... WHY DID YOU DO THAT?"
Pole: " "
Pole: " "
Dumb Bitch: "Oh... wanna play ball hard?" (i think she meant hard ball)
Pole: " "
Dumb Bitch: "You're putting up a good fight... ANSWER ME!"
Pole: " "
Dumb Bitch: "*Slaps pole*.. ANSWER ME YOU ASSHOLE"
Pole: " "
Dumb Bitch: "*Calls her dumb fuckfriend* THIS POLE HURT ME... COME BEAT HIM UP"
Dumb Bitch: "Wait until my fuckfi...boyfriend comes. He will HURT YOU BAD"
Pole: " "
Me: " WHAT ... THE... FUCK..."
Pole: " "
Dumb Bitch: "FUCK YOU, i'm leaving stupid POLE"
Pole: " "
Me: ".... I gotta get a car"

Please... for the love of God. If you're reading this you dumb bitch. Please... stay out of clubs, do not let your one night stands stick their penises in your ears and any other orifice. THERE might still be hope for you.
Ugh. all this anger has made me hungry...
Remember kids, if you want to turn out normal. Read a book. He turned out normal.
2 comments|post comment

Ugh... [18 Dec 2005|09:02pm]
Honestly. I'm one snap away from having my twig break (not that twik.. sick fucks). One incident before i walk up the clock tower. I was on the dreaded 95 and actually-for once- having a good time. Nothing bad has happened yet. No retarded wiggers have snuck onto the back of bus yet. No handicapped Emo's have broken down the glass to slit their wrists with. Nothing. Nadda. Was going great. I shouldn't have judged things so quickly. I haven't even gotten to St. Laurent yet (x100 more people [What is her problem? She's giving the universial sign for "loser" and yet she... doesn't look like a real winner... UGH!]) Anyway, we hit St. Laurent (though i wish the Germans hit St. Laurent first with their Gestapo. Hitler would have been proud with that victory. "THE FALL OF ST. LAURENT") and these two woman get on. Now, even though they were good looking( [Minus the hot-fake-kissing]) i always reserve my opiniong until after they open their mouths. And thank GOD i did that very thing. They get on, sit down beside me and... they opened their mouths. WHY did they do that? It's like liking a band and then hearing them in 10 years and wondering how the hell you could have ever liked them. This is the very same situation. They sat down, in my mind i'm going, "Wow, they're hot..." [notice the dot dot dots at the end of my thought? -That's because the second i thought that, they opened their god damn lips- Here is what i had to listen to. WHY DID I you ask? Because my iPod died... GOOoo Apple.
Stupid hot Girl #1: "Shit... it's COLD outside"
Stupid hot Girl #2: "Ya... tell me about it"
Stupid hot Girl #1: "I hate cold weather"
Stupid hot Girl #2: "YA.... i never knew Ottawa was so cold"
Stupid hot Girl #1: "I hate cold weather"
Both: "YA... HONESTLY... why IS it SO cold?"
At that point, i wanted to turn to my left and yell at them, "YOU LIVE IN A NORTHERN COUNTRY YOU FUCKING... UGH... JESUS CHRIST" ring the bell and get off at the next stop. Why do people say that? You don't see me going to Mexico and complaining about the heat. [Senor would look like this] (no, i'm not sterotypical)
Me: "Excuse me senior"
Senor: "Yes little stupid american boy"
Me: "I'm Austrian.. but anyway. Why is it SO hot here?"
Senor: "..."
Me: "NEVER pegged Mexico as a hot country
Senor: "..."
Anyway. If you're hot, and you're stupid. Please do not open your mouth. Well, you can, but please... only with you boyfriend in your bed, or with a random guy you picked up from some random bar you and your girlfriends went to because you're all too stupid to remember the location of your favorite bar... UGH!... that's it. I'm done (not done like that. Sick fucks)
1 comment|post comment

WTF?!?! [30 Nov 2005|08:28am]

To all you douche bags out there who chose the habbit of smoking to impress the imaginary girls that look your way, or to impress your "home boys" because they think "it's dope, you know. Dope like weed..OOOO BRABRABRABRBA" (I really hate wiggers -No, not being racist- I just genuinly hate white people who try to be something they're not. As seen in exhibit A,  What the FUCK is his problem? Why is he doing gang signs? Or at least i think that's what he's doing. He could be trying to warn us that he's choking, but we refuse to listen, because we all hate wiggers, RIGHT?) Anyway, back to you fucking douche bags who choose to smoke at bus shelters and wherever i see you. Can you PLEASE, for the love of God, INHALE YOUR FUCKING SMOKE. The other day as i was sitting on the bus that seems to attract the wacko's and the weirdo's, i saw a group of morons at the St.Laurent stop who were huddled around in a circle (That's a circle. In case our wigger friend is reading this entry and has no clue as to what a circle is. "CIRCLE? OH SHIT GUY, EMINEM IS DA BOMB OFF THE HIZZY".. UGH), gawking at every woman that passed by, and were smoking cigarettes. What pissed me off the most was the fact that they were not inhaling their smoke. They put the cigarette to their lips, and then immediatly blew out the smoke. So all you saw was a huge smoke cloud come out, instead of a little stream like what happens when you inhale. I wanted to ring the bell, get off the bus, run up to them, grab their cigarette, shove it down their throats and then kick them in the stomach. "INHALE THAT FUCKING CIGRATTE MOTHER FUCKER". So, instead. I got off the bus and decided to just listen to their intellectual conversation. It went something like this. First, picture a bunch of retards ( + ) standing in said circle.
Actual conversation involving Vinny, Tea, One, and Albert:
Vinny: "Yo yo yo, check that dime cake out"
One: "Oh shit"
Tea: "Pass the endo"
Albert: "I'm not done with it yet, let me take a couple more buffs"
*Albert does not inhale cigarette smoke, he just blows it out. Hands it to Tea"
Tea: "I'll be rhyming at the bus stop, all day, non stop, smoking on cigratte smoke..."
One: "K, yo. Check this girl that's coming"
All: "OH SHIT!"
*Inhales cigarette. Lights up another"
*Girl gives them a 'i want to kill you' look"
Tea: "Yo yo, i should go talk to her"
Rest: "Ya, go guy"
And at this point, i left because my bus came. But i would have loved to stick around for another couple of minutes to see Tea make a fool of himself. TEA??? WHO NAMES THEMSELVES TEA? I can see him sitting in his parents house, sipping on some tea and listening to classical music, "I sure do love Tea" at that moment, the radio skips and Eminem comes on, "TEA IS THE SICKEST NAME EVER" And so on and so on.

Fucking retards. Next time you're smoking a cigarette, please inhale. UGH! Fuck this, i'm out!

2 comments|post comment

What the FUCK.. [29 Nov 2005|12:23pm]

... is wrong with the youth today? For some reason, fate is playing with my patience. Waiting until i snap and just yell at someone for no reason. The other day my iPod died. I remember charging it for 1 hour before i left school so i'd have something to listen to instead of listening to   (Who ONLY seem to talk about cellphones, and video games for xbox (BTW... you're not Ebert or some reviewer for a video game mag. I DO NOT CARE WHAT YOUR 2 CENTS ARE ABOUT STREET FUCKING RACING) and  (Who always complain about the lack of razor blades at their last emo party. Fucking emos. Write a letter about how messed up your life is and leave it in your room which is only 1 out of the 5 available bedrooms in your big house. Take those pills, or slit that wrist. Blame it on your recently divorced parents. Morons) Anyway, back to my iPod dying and me being forced to listen to morons. After about 40 minutes on the 95, i finally reach Orleans and i'm relieved that nothing bad has happened yet. Right? WRONG! I get into the bus shelter, sit down and proceed to look out the window in front of me. Minding my business when these two little punk kids walk in. First off, they're louder than a porno star screaming into the camera (You know, the "OOOH YA. FUCK ME RIGHT THERE" to the "AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhYA THATS GOOD") Anyway. They talk about class and then pick up a Dose magazine (Why is that terrible paper in production?) And start reading the "Sex advice" column. It happens to be about a couple wanting to try anal. You know.

  + (Male organ) = Anal.  

So, they're laughing and putting down this couple because, "bum sex is the most disgusting thing in the world". This coming from a 13 year old who still probably wets the bed because his mommy didn't tuck him in last night. UGH!. Anyway. They throw the magainze down and start spitting on it. Now, what pisses me off the most was what he said next (We'll call him. Fucking-retarded-13-year-old-douche-bag-boy) "If i don't spit on the ground, then the janitor's won't have a job" (WOW... thank you 13 year old. You have SO much knowledge about life... UGH!) He just kept on spitting, and his friend (Fucking-retarded-12-year-old-douche-bag-girl) continues to laugh. So i started to think. I want to put his philosophy to action. Stand up, walk over to the kid, bash his head into the ground, kick him in the groin so he never has children, and then spit on his now twitching corpse. And while his stupid friend is crying, shocked () or screaming, "PLEASE, STOP". I'll grab her by the head and stab her with her own finger, and then spit on her now twitching corpse. Now, when the police arrest me, i'd have the following conversation.
Police: "Alright son, you're under arrest for beating some punk's up"
Me: "But officer, based on his brilliant philosophy, i would be putting you out of a job if i did not do this!"
Police: "What?"
Me: "He said that if he doesn't spit on the ground, the janitor's would not have a job. Therefore, i beat his head in, so you could still have a job"
Police: "He said that? Hm... you're right. Carry on son, you're free to go"
Then i'd walk off into the sunset.

So, if you're between the ages of fetus and 13 years old. SHUT UP before you open your mouth.

2 comments|post comment

I feel sorry... [21 Nov 2005|10:10am]
... for this one store () that i pass by everyday. And everytime i pass by and look inside, it's emptier than the actual definition for "empty". . I mean, LOOK at it. There isn't even a single person in sight for miles to come. I'm just waiting for to roll by infront of the store. What's even sadder is that i want to get off at the next stop, head into the store and just give it some business for the sake of giving it business, or just because i pitty that store for even existing. But, i'm way too scared about the outcome of a conversation i'd have with the owner who happens to look like a witch () (Shut up... that's the best i could find using google images. I had to weave through the large amount of pre-teen girls dressed as witches for halloween. Awww. How cute. *PUKES*) Anyway, back to no-man's-land. I'd enter the store, have to listen to a bell they have at the door so the owner can jump out of her cauldron and run to the front yelling some random stuff, "OH MY MY MY CHILDREN!!!!... oh... HELLO THERE YOUNG LOOKING TASTY ADULT!". I'd make my way over to the cash register or the scone area, and order myself a scone (i have no clue what the english eat (assuming scones are english... fucking british people)) The bad thing is, i would HAVE to start a conversation with them, but i don't know what i'd say. I'd probably have a confused face on or something (Ya... like that. Only, i'm not green... or fat... or dressed to murder peoples eyes) and cough every now and then to avoid an awkward silence.
Me: "Oh... hey there... um... *cough*... i'll have a scone, to go? *cough*"
Her: "Muahaheeewwwww... that'll be 10$"
Me: "5$?!? Wow... well, i'm... *cough*... here to support you"
Her: "Muahahweeee... support me? WHAT do you mean, little boy?"
Me: "Oh no, i mean... you know, cause... desert... tumbleweed?... did you call me a, 'little boy'?"
Me: "*cough*... N...*cough*...o"
Her: "Weeee have a lot of business..m uahahahhweee"
Me: "*Hands her 10$ and starts to back-up"
And at this point she opens up her oven(NO, NOT that oven you sick fucks) and throws me in. Meanwhile i'm panicking because i'm about to be cooked into a  So i'm squirming and struggling wiht the hatch so i can get the hell out of here. But i lose my concentration repeadily because the witch keeps laughing, "Muahahwheweewwwww, BURN... CHILD!" After about 5 minutes of fighting with metal, i bust the door open, telekinetically call Ghostbusters and have them bust down the door and suck her up. But i mean, that's worse case scenario. It's possible.

Whatever, i'm sure they'll succeed. In the mean time. Save a scone, kill a witch!.
1 comment|post comment

Geez [18 Nov 2005|04:17pm]
What is wrong with people today, especially women and the bus. Yes, that's right. and the ?
Just the other day, i get on the bus, wave my bus pass to the driver who's not the driver? Why are they not in uniform again? Ah, i don't care. Anyway, as i flash him my bus pass and he says some random word to me like, "Mukeha", i proceed to head towards the back of the bus, LIKE THE GOD DAMN SIGN SAYS. Yet douche bags continue to stand at the front of the bus, twiddling their thumbs and getting mad at you when you try to get around them. Ugh. So, i'm at the rear now (after having to swim through a pile of douche bags and retards) and i'm literally making out with the window. I turn to my right and i see this girl  taking up TWO seats. The other seat is reserved for her precious which probably contains about a dozen condoms, birth control, slut lipstick, douche bag, and a couple of breathmints. I'm standing there, about 1 step away from getting rapped by a piece of glass, thinking to myself, "What makes her so special that she has to take up two entire seats?" I wanted to beat my way through the horde of people, and just give her one on the head with a fistfull of pennies, and then pick her up and throw her out the window and do something to her bag that i'd only do to a toilet. What pisses me off the most is that as i'm looking at her and giving my usual, "UGH WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" look, she looks at me and beats her stupid little eyes twice and then turns back to look at her iPod. Right then and there i wanted to put my plan into action
  + (1000) +  =
Let that be a reminder to all those people who decide to take up two seats, just because they don't want somebody sitting beside them. I will find you, cram my fist with pennies, and knock you RIGHT in the teeth, and then drop the pennies so you can buy yourself a new tooth. Explain to the dentist exactly what happened
Dentist: "So why... do you have a bag full of pennies and no front teeth?"
Stupid person: "Because some moron punched me"
Dentist: "Why did he punch you?"
Stupid person: "I took up two seats on a bus that was full. I don't see the pro..."
Dentist: "YOU DID WHAT?"
Stupid person: "Ya i..."
The dentist then starts to beat the stupid person senseless (HAHA... centsless)

Ugh... i'm done.
post comment

My oh my... [16 Nov 2005|08:19am] sure has been a while, hasn't it my fans? *cricket sounds* Bastards! Anyway. I am back, and i have a lot to say. I will be adding a new section to my already large arsenal of 1 section. Whoa, i sure do know how to make people come back for more, right... ladies? HEY... lady? Ah whom i kidding. Well... without further delay (because knowing me, there could be another 4 month delay due to a hurricane ripping off my roof, or a tornado destroying my crop, or an earthquake destroying my shack.. or... oh wait, those have happened, just not to me.

What's that Satan? I'm going to hell? Geez, if Satan really looked like that, we're in for a fun time in Hell. I mean, look at the size of those horns. I can only imagine how the ladies feel after having a one night stand with Satan. 

Lady: "Oh my Satan, i've heard stories about your... 'pitch fork' mmm"
Satan: "Ya baby, it's all true. IT's huge and creates holes when i pork... or at least, enters a hole... hm...hmhaha"
Lady: *pulls down pants and licks lips* "Wait... that..... that's it?"
Satan: *coughs* "um... this has never happened before, baby i swear... the rooms cold"
Lady: "We're in hell....................."
Satan: "Right... right... the fire, lava, and eternal damnation burning..."
Lady: "Oh this is damnation alright"
Satan: "What?"
Lady: "Nothing. Oh is that my cellphone ringing? No? Ok, well, i gotta go"
Satan: "Call me!!!"
Lady: "Yup for sure..." *runs off*

Poor guy, only wants what all guys want. A good game of scrabble, or sex. What ever the devil it is you kids call it these days.

Anyway. Enjoy.

What i want completed:

This section was inspired by people who refuse to do something, or do something that makes others mad. For example. You're walking down the street, and someone cuts you off, you spill your coffee and they look at you like YOU'RE the moron. Well... I'll explain 1) What happend, 2) Solution, 3) After solution has been applied. Think of it as a math class. Only, you dumb jocks and trendy club sluts can follow along as well... You know who you are...

*cough*    *cough*


(  + )   + () + His face( + )  =

Ok ladies and gentlemen, listen carefully for those of you who do not understand. I'm sitting on the bus the other day in the dead of a cold morning. It's got to be at least 20 below outside. We hit Rideau, and some douche bag (as seen above) comes on the bus and cracks open the window and looks around at everyone and gives them a dirty look. I'm sitting there, giving him the "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING... UGHHHH" look, yet he continues to listen to  or whatever the hell this moron listens to. For the entire bus ride to school, he's sitting there, ZIPPED UP from douche bag toe to douche bag head. So, in my head i created a fix for this problem.

Douche Bag(Douce bag opening window + fucking winter outside) + Me* being INCREDIBLY angry(baseball bat) + His face(open window + baseball bat) = A CLOSED WINDOW and the rest of us on the bus, happy. Why i wish i took that bat and closed the window with his head. Stupid fuckers

*Mind you ladies, i'm way hotter.

That's my solution to a situation. God damn douche bags on the bus.

And that's my new section which i will try to do every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

Remember people.   says, "read a book, mother fuckers"

1 comment|post comment

Been a while.. [05 Jun 2005|01:29pm]
So, i started my new job, and so far it's going great. But, im' not here to talk about my new job.

However, a few funny things have happened in the past couple of days.
Firstly, when i was at work, and i'm there thinking to myself, "BOY, i sure love to drink water". 10 600mL bottles later, i decided to head on over to the washroom, and do my business. Now, i'm standing there, looking at this sign that says, "FOCUS: All the hard things in your life will become easy". So, now i'm just thinking to myself, "Jesus. now i really want to drop the Cosby kids off at the pool 'cause of this stupid sign". Then, as i'm zipping up, i think to myself, "can i drop them off?" For about 10 minutes i stood there thinking if i should or shouldn't. I decided that i shouldn't and i headed back to work, thinking about if i should have. Jesus, i feel like a true German now, thinking about this kind of stuff, "FOR ONLY 9.99 YOU CAN BUY THIS SHIESSE VIDEO... JA JA JA JA".
Secondly, i went to the shopping mall to buy a new game for my PSP. And, i had to kind of hurry up or else i'd miss my bus, and i did not want to be those guys that runs after the bus screaming at the driver, "STOP STOP STOP... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" as people look at you, wondering how it was possible out of 3 million sperm, that you were the fastest. Anyway, so i'm doing my usual speed walk routine, like this guy.

Now, i turn the corner and i did a military type pivot, RIGHT into this woman. I swear i did not see her. Now that i'm in the air, looking at her in slow-motion, seeing as her bags are flying everywhere, and the expression on her face as priceless, a perfect Schwarzenegger impression.

haha, ya, JUST like that. Anyway, I get up, and help her up off the ground. She was this beautiful Japenese woman (DEAR LORD, they're so hot) and she was speaking in her language, i think. I was scared because i thought a squadron of Kamikaze fighters were going to crash into my house tonight because she ordered it. Nonetheless, i helped her up, and went out my merry day. Damn she was hot though.

Yes, i will have sex with you, and you, and you. All at the same time :)

Finally, i'm sitting here, eating ice cream off my shirt, because i have absolutely no aim whatsoever. You can only image how my washroom breaks are. "LA de da du *zip, wait* OH SHIT.... SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT, not AGAIN OH CRAP" while i can hear voices from outside the door, "Is everything alright in there?" "UH... Ya... i just... forgot to eat some ..... apples... *cough*" All while i'm trying to find toilet paper to clean off the... um.... you know, the liquid stuff.

Well, i'm gonna head on out and get some sushi. "That will be 9.99, sir" "um, i'll have sex with you if you want" "Please leave" "aww come on... take your 20$... keep the change..."
Till next time readers... And remember... have sex with Japanese wome... i mean... *runs off*

3 comments|post comment

Sad sad sight [29 May 2005|02:08pm]
So, it was around 4 in the morning last night, i was in front of the TV, watching my usual Cosby show, wondering why they live in the ****ing ghetto now, until it dawned upon me what exactly i was doing. I'm lying on the couch, in boxers, undershirt, one sock on, other was somewhere on the couch, a tub of ice cream, and my laptop in front of me. As soon as i realized as to what i was doing, i shuddered and went to bed. I felt like i was living inside "Sex and the City" Minus the obvious features. Saggy breasts, no ass, and rolled up hair, oh ya, that's every woman in that damn show. It was a sad sight, yet it was hilarious. "Sex and the Couch" is what i would name my show. It would feature this guy as me.

DISCLAIMER I'm way hotter than this, i'm like... FIRAH BABY

After getting off the couch, this would be the first girl i would run into in the city.

Despite her beauty, i would later on complain about her annoying attitude and her stupid quest for love. I think i would start the paper something like this, "Is love possible in this large city? Why is it that i have dated 1 million women, and half of them are only out for the money, yet i can't stop seeing them, and complaining about their attitudes. Please, can somebody please answer this question?. I am lost and confused, are you too?" I'd then confide in 3 of my other guy "couch" friends while eating something healthy, like a big cheeseburger. These are my friends:

Look at them, and how tough they are. They are so WISE. I'm sure they'd tell me some stupid advice about women and how skanky they are. This would all of course happen every single day of my life. Maybe somebody can pick up this idea and turn it into a show. Oh wait... I feel as though this show has already been created... if only i can put my finger on the name.

So, like i said, after shuddering i went to bed and dreamt about some big busty women wearing nothing but cheeseburgers as bras and French fries as thongs.

2 comments|post comment

Random Words Part 2 [27 May 2005|04:53pm]
Ok, i'm going to be putting the random words part early today, because i'm going out till 3-4am.

Today's random words are: Naked Keyboard Soon
Pfft, boring words, but whatever. This is what turned up

"WOO... IT FEELS GREAT HAVING THIS HAIRCUT FROM THE 80s AND A GUITAR... WOOO" He looks high as a kite to be honest :D

These were boring words, but i'm sure tomorrow will be a lot more pleasing. I've added in a lot more words, instead of just regular ones :D Stay tuned, and see you my one and only reader :)
3 comments|post comment

Damn British people... [27 May 2005|03:43pm]
So, today i had a job interview. I thought all was going well, until the woman introduced herself. I guess her name was... I don't remember, but let's call her "Big Teeth, Tea and biscuits lover".
This is she.

Ugh, look how smug she looks. So anyway, "Big teeth, tea and buscuits lover" seemed real nice, until she started busting out her slang. I swear, she makes (insert your favorite rapper here)  look bad. Let's say, you went with Coolio. He'll be my pick.

"YO YO YO, VASSUP MAH PEEPS?" Ok, so now he sounds German? So anyway. As she started talking to me, it became clear to me that i had NO clue what she was saying. "Let's say you did this" Sounded like "Oh cheerio, pip pip... oy oy oy... Tea and biscuits good wiph huney". All i could do was nod and go "Oh yes... Defiantly". She saw straight though me, sipping on her tea and munching on her biscuits. I tried everything with her. After i've been defeated, she asks me to pretend like i'm talking to her about AIDS. I have no CLUE what the bloody hell to say to that. I hardly even know anything about my own leg, let alone a big disease. "Uh, it affects African-Americans *thinking in my head = SHIT... i sound racist... *sigh** affects young adults, and there is no cure for it *thinking in my head = *TRUMP VOICE* You're fired**.
The interview is basically done now, after that screw up. She said that she was unsure about my position there. So, being me, i blurted out, "i play poker i'm not shy..." Now, in my head, im' basically taking a gun to whoever the hell runs it, and pulling the trigger. Bastard. Anyway. I got the job after all, but still... damn British people. BTW, if my only reader is British, sorry :(

I'm going to go and cry while taking a shower, gotta hide dem' tears :(.
Aww, i'm just kidding. HOLD ME.
4 comments|post comment

Don't hate the game, hate the player :D [26 May 2005|11:28pm]
I just found this, forgot where i saved it on my bloody computer. :D I played this a couple of days ago. Nobody believed me :D
GO TO THAT LINK... It's WAY too big to be on here.

I can't believe i found it. I feel like a mother finding her lost child.

What the.. THAT ISN'T A WOMAN... DEAR GOD, CALL THE COPS... oh wait... yes officah, i'll testify against that evil man.
post comment

Random Words... [26 May 2005|10:44pm]
I guess i'll start a daily "Random word into Google image search". If i find something weird, which i'm sure i will, i'll post it here. Oh man, this random word generator i made is sure to stir up some evil, and haunting images, let alone the nightmares i'm going to put myself through just to please ... ONE BLOODY PERSON (you know who dat IS GURL... HOLLA ATCHABOY!)

In the future, if there are ENOUGH people, you can send in your own random words. Chances of me actually using one are slim :)
Today's random words are: Fairy Sexy Women
Jesus Christ, this is going to be an interesting search. I'll try to keep it PG.

The only other weird thing i found with this one was some crazy drawn woman. As seen below

Let's hope the words tomorrow will be far more interesting than some beautiful woman, and some odd looking Everquest(COPYRIGHT, don't want to get sued for using this word without the authorization of Sony. Who knows, they COULD be crazy) character.

Well folks, THAT'S ALL FOR TODAY. :D
4 comments|post comment

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]